So let’s take a look at a rag-tag band of brands as they make their way through our post-apocalyptic wasteland. Let’s say we have Starbucks, Warby Parker, Dollar Shave Club, WeWork, Tesla, and Apple. They’ve survived the initial zombie outbreak, and now they’re heading to some rumored farmhouse haven, where a community of other survivors have created an undead-free zone.
But as they’re quietly making their way through a small town, crows ominously circling in the darkness above them, uh-oh, Warby Parker accidentally steps on some child’s abandoned doll which cries out MAAAA-MAAAAA in a creepy way. So the zombies obviously attack! And here’s what happens:
Well, right off the bat we’re worried about Warby Parker. I mean, it wasn’t their fault they stepped on the doll, though a better pair of glasses might have prevented this. But Warby Parker are good people! They not only have a simple, down-to earth tone of voice, and provide cool, affordable glasses in a convenient, try-at-home, fashion, but we also know they enable people in need to get free eye care and treatment. So run, Warby Parker! Run!
Then there’s Tesla. Tesla’s a little aloof when they’re talking, but boy do they come up with some great ideas to get their group out of a tough spot. That’s their entire vision. They’re not just trying to survive, they want EVERYONE to make it through, despite some serious obstacles. And the more punches they take, the more ideas they come up with. They’ve earned our respect. And besides, we want to see what crazy invention they come up with next.
Dollar Shave Club are next in line, and there’s no question about them. We love Dollar Shave Club. Young, funny, and surviving against the odds against much larger opponents, they’re the plucky challenger we’ve been rooting for from the start. Off you go, and maybe you get to hook up with Warby Parker after all this is over. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the tension between you two.
We Work are pretty young too. But we’ve never really got to know them. They sort of help people out when it comes to hanging out and stuff, and they look pretty hip, but to be honest, they’re kind of a drag. We just don’t know what they want, or why. So when they get grabbed by the goatee and pulled into the shadows screaming in agony, well, no great loss. There’ll be a better cool character along in the next scene, probably.
Starbucks gets jumped pretty hard too, and before we know it, they’re foaming at the mouth. They’ve been around for a while in our story, but they’re just a little two dimensional. Everything’s always perfect with them – they’re always coming up with wise things to say and they’re very responsible, but again, we don’t really know what they stand for. They’re just a little vanilla.
And then there’s Apple. We used to like Apple. They were kind of like Dollar Shave Club, fighting the system. A little angry, a little arrogant, a little flashy, but definitely cool. And like Tesla, they had all these neat ideas which they were totally chill about in an understated kind of way. When they blew up a group of zombies they totally walked away without looking at the explosion behind them. But lately, I don’t know. They’re sort of predictable. Understated has turned into nothing-to-say. It’s like they’ve just given up. So it’s kind of a relief when they get taken out. We’ve been expecting it.